Myriad meteorological miseries

Yep, I’m going to write about the weather. I know, that’s pretty clichéd at this time of year. At least I gave it a fancy title.

I knew that the weather here in Kentucky, and all along the East Coast, had been crappy recently, but I had no idea just how crappy. My favorite weather blog had a map yesterday that showed that every state in the US except Florida had snow on the ground. That’s a lot of snow, people. I don’t have hard numbers on this, but it seems like we are averaging an inch or two of snow at least every week and a half. As of January 12th, this portion of Kentucky had already received more snow than we usually get in an entire winter.

But (you might be thinking) who doesn’t love snow? It’s sledding and snowmen and angels and hot cocoa and snuggling by the fire and rosy cheeks! I felt that way, too…until I started driving. And got old. Now, snow is getting stuck in an unplowed parking lot, sliding into a ditch, shoveling (and shoveling again, when the original shoveled area gets covered over), crawling up my sloping driveway on my hands and knees because it is too icy to stand on, constantly having wet frozen feet, and either breaking a limb or getting run over by a bus after falling off the slick sidewalk. Add to that a dog who, when there is snow on the ground, gets confused and thinks that poo is a food item. Oh, and the special joy of receiving a $330 electric bill in the mail, since the average temperature is running about 15 degrees below normal. Can you tell that I’m thoroughly tired of winter already?

There are a couple of bright spots. Mr. Nerd has promised that I can get a new cell phone next month, which gives me something to look forward to for the next few weeks. (I’ve been suffering from a bad case of New Cell Phone Fever. My life is not terribly exciting, in case you can't tell.) And I got these:

Aren’t they adorable? I have wanted a pair of wellies forever, but hadn’t been able to justify the expense. After he had to bodily pull me up the driveway a couple of times, Mr. Nerd heartily agreed that it was worth the $25 for me to get a pair of boots with good traction. So, if you see me slogging through the snowy downtown streets after a long, cold day at work, I might be feeling pretty miserable. But at least my feet will look cute.

Dear footwear industry, you've done it again

First, it was the floot, a fugly flip-flop/ankle boot hybrid. Then, a couple of days ago, my sharp-eyed aunt, K, found a link to this abomination:

It's made by Sanuk, and it's called the Tubeflop.  Here's a brief description from their website:

"Light and breathable sock connected to footbed through molded channel. Strap is feminine and soft."

So, it's a flip-flop...connected to a tube sock. Call me crazy, but I thought the primary purpose of knee socks was to keep you warm. I know some people live in parts of the country where you can be outside for more than 2.4 seconds without bursting into flames, but it's hot as all get-out here, y'all. You know what I think about when I look at Tubeflops? I think about how hot and itchy and gross my sweaty calves would be after wearing those things for about three minutes. If they're intended for people who live in cooler climates, they're still dumb. My feet are always freezing in cold weather. What good would it do me to have toasty-warm calves while my piddies were getting frostbitten?

I've been thinking a lot about this craze for bizarre shoes, and I think I know who is behind it all:

 
Remember this guy? I'm guessing the haberdashery business has suffered a lot in the last few decades, and Mr. Hatter was looking for some work. He turned his attentions to footwear-he's mad, remember-and the result is the Tubeflop. But, because I am a giver, I'm going to give him some career counseling. I'm pretty sure I've thought of the perfect employer to match his skill set:

Lady Gaga is clearly not afraid to take a few fashion risks, and shoes and hats are essential pieces of her crazy get-ups. I think the Mad Hatter could have a long and illustrious career designing her gear...and then the rest of us consumers would not have to suffer whatever he thinks up next. See? Perfect match.

Of floots and fashion victims

Have I mentioned before that I love clothes? Since I love clothes, but I do not have the budget of, say, Sarah Jessica Parker, I spend a lot of time looking at catalogs, reading magazines like InStyle, and dreaming of the wardrobe I would have if I was a bajillionaire. I was happily perusing one of my catalogs recently when I saw what could possibly be one of the dumbest clothing/footwear ideas of all time. I would describe the item, but it kind of defies description:

It’s a flip flop…in an unholy union with the cuff part of a boot. What the heck? What is the purpose of this ridiculous shoe? Is this for women with hot feet but cold ankles?  Are they specifically created to show off your pedi? I think the designers are running out of ideas, frankly. They’ve come to the point where they’re just taking things that already exist, cutting them apart, and rearranging the pieces, and this is the result. I call it the “floot.” Part flip flop, part boot, all absurd.

When I first saw the floot in the catalog, I thought it must be one of those things that Paris Hilton types would wear, but no normal woman would ever put on as part of everyday life. Imagine my surprise when I walked into my favorite shoe store last weekend, and there was a big display of floots right inside the door. Since my little corner of Kentucky is hardly a fashion mecca, it appears that normal women must be wearing them, too. It is to those ladies that I would like to direct a word of warning: No matter how cool floots seem right now, it will not be worth the shame in the long run. Trust me. Since I was a shameless trend-jumper for many years, I wore a lot of things that I deeply regret--and that make me very thankful that my family is not big on taking photos. (No evidence of my crimes.) Here are a few examples:

I wore a Mork outfit, fourth grade. Exactly like this, except my pants were khaki.

Jams shorts, similar to the ones I wore in high school. With a knit sweater vest. Oh, and I was chunky. It was a great look for me.

MC Hammer pants, late 80s. I couldn't even blame my foolishness on youth anymore; I was an adult when I wore these. Tragic.

 

Talk about tragic! I had about 10 pairs of stirrup pants in the early 90s. Picture these pants, a heavily crocheted sweater, lots of chub, and flats. Aw, yeah.

Having seen these horrors, you must be convinced that I have some serious regrets about my fashion past.  Surely you understand why I'm recommending that you leave the trendy, goofy shoes behind and settle on a more conventional pair of sandals. The floots might make you feel really hip for a weeks, but the regrets could last a lifetime.