Tuesday, April 27, 2010

Of floots and fashion victims

Have I mentioned before that I love clothes? Since I love clothes, but I do not have the budget of, say, Sarah Jessica Parker, I spend a lot of time looking at catalogs, reading magazines like InStyle, and dreaming of the wardrobe I would have if I was a bajillionaire. I was happily perusing one of my catalogs recently when I saw what could possibly be one of the dumbest clothing/footwear ideas of all time. I would describe the item, but it kind of defies description:

It’s a flip flop…in an unholy union with the cuff part of a boot. What the heck? What is the purpose of this ridiculous shoe? Is this for women with hot feet but cold ankles?  Are they specifically created to show off your pedi? I think the designers are running out of ideas, frankly. They’ve come to the point where they’re just taking things that already exist, cutting them apart, and rearranging the pieces, and this is the result. I call it the “floot.” Part flip flop, part boot, all absurd.

When I first saw the floot in the catalog, I thought it must be one of those things that Paris Hilton types would wear, but no normal woman would ever put on as part of everyday life. Imagine my surprise when I walked into my favorite shoe store last weekend, and there was a big display of floots right inside the door. Since my little corner of Kentucky is hardly a fashion mecca, it appears that normal women must be wearing them, too. It is to those ladies that I would like to direct a word of warning: No matter how cool floots seem right now, it will not be worth the shame in the long run. Trust me. Since I was a shameless trend-jumper for many years, I wore a lot of things that I deeply regret--and that make me very thankful that my family is not big on taking photos. (No evidence of my crimes.) Here are a few examples:

I wore a Mork outfit, fourth grade. Exactly like this, except my pants were khaki.

Jams shorts, similar to the ones I wore in high school. With a knit sweater vest. Oh, and I was chunky. It was a great look for me.

MC Hammer pants, late 80s. I couldn't even blame my foolishness on youth anymore; I was an adult when I wore these. Tragic.
Talk about tragic! I had about 10 pairs of stirrup pants in the early 90s. Picture these pants, a heavily crocheted sweater, lots of chub, and flats. Aw, yeah.

Having seen these horrors, you must be convinced that I have some serious regrets about my fashion past.  Surely you understand why I'm recommending that you leave the trendy, goofy shoes behind and settle on a more conventional pair of sandals. The floots might make you feel really hip for a weeks, but the regrets could last a lifetime.


cardiogirl said...

I absolutely abhor flip flops. Yes, it's a thing with me. I cannot stand them and just looking at them makes my big toe hurt. Yuck.

So to see "...a flip flop in an unholy union with the cuff part of a boot" is a travesty of epic proportions. (Nice phrasing absepa; that *is* an unholy union.)

I love the two figures on the pattern for MC Hammer pants. Two white folks trying to jam Hammer style. Is that a jean jacket that chick is wearing? I had one and I loved it! I don't know which landfill it's buried in now.

And the stirrup pants.

Oh how I loved my stirrup pants. I had a few pair in black and navy (the slimming colors, right?) and I truly loved those things paired with some slammin' flats.

Kathy said...

That floot thing is epic bad. Worse than Uggs. And what's with the names of these things? Yeah, let's choose the most unattractive style and then give it a stupid/unattractive name and also, let's charge a fortune. It's a sure thing (I wish that weren't actually true).

I wore stirrup pants into my early 30s. I'm not proud. Not proud at all.

JD at I Do Things said...

Oh, god the stirrup pants! We thought they were so cool. So flattering! Ugh.

I have to say, I was recently wondering if I had some kind of disease where the rest of my body was freezing but my feet were all sweaty. The floot could actually come in handy for people with this disease. Assuming there is such a disease.

suzicate said...

That is crazy...woould anyone really buy them. I remember (and am guilty) of many of those fashions!

absepa said...

cg: Sorry about your flip flop issues. I actually know several people who feel that way about the flops.

Unfortunately, I think I *was* one of those white people trying to jam Hammer style. It wasn't pretty.

Kathy: I'm a little ashamed to admit it, but I bought a pair of Ugg-like boots this past winter. I was so tired of my feet being cold, and these boots are SO warm. At least I didn't pay $175 for the actual Ugg brand.

JD: Yeah, the whole stirrup pant thing was pretty tragic. I'm not sure which was more unflattering: stirrup pants or harem pants. It was all bad for someone as chunky as I was.

suzicate: I haven't actually seen anyone wearing them, but they had TONS of them at Off Broadway. If I do see someone in them, I will try to surreptitiously take a photo and post it here.

Jen said...

I can't wear flip flops because they hurt the part between my toes. Now if they had this in a regular sandal front I might be all over it. On the other hand after seeing all of the same fashion mistakes I made, except you forgot leg warmers, I would be wise to think twice. I still have my Members Only jacket.

Han said...

I used to wear stirrup pants for dance club lol. with a massive baggy t-shirt that was 2 or 3 sizes too big for my 13 year old body hehe

absepa said...

Jen: I missed your comment--sorry!! I'm guilty of wearing leg warmers, too. As much as I wanted a Members Only jacket, my mom couldn't afford one. My hubby still has his, though.

Han: I wore a lot of stirrup pants back in the day. At least you were wearing them for dance, not as a fashion statement. :)

Wendy said...

Jam shorts! Yeah!

The floot cracks me up. That looks 80s to me. Someone missed their decade.

Rachele said...

I'm not a shoe person by nature so this would totally crack me up as ridiculous. I recently started wearing flip-flops just out of pure convenience in putting them on to run out the door.

I loved stirrup pants...with a baggy sweater and some flats. I think I had some in green. Those were the days.