A "Dear Dog" Letter

Dear Patches,

You know you're my little buddy. I let you sleep on my bed (and my lap); put your paws on the laptop trackpad AND the big-screen TV; tear around the house barking like a mad dog for no reason; jump on your sister's head to the point that she probably has brain damage; and sit under the kitchen table staring at me while I eat. It's pretty clear that your humans are crazy about you. But here's the thing: you barfed and/or asked to go outside SIX TIMES last night.

Don't get me wrong--I am sorry that your tummy was upset. But you are somewhat prone to "dietary indiscretions" as the vet calls them. When you eat things off the kitchen floor, and grass from the back yard, you have to expect that it's going to throw things off a bit, gut-wise. So please, for the next few days, refrain from eating things that aren't food, okay?

See, buddy, your humans need all the sleep they can get right now. They are right smack in the middle of the busiest season of the year. For weeks, they've been visiting, shopping, wrapping, cooking, performing in various productions, attending extra church services, and generally running themselves ragged. (In addition to their regular full-time jobs and household chores.) In three days, they are expected to attend another marathon round of visits, including several large meals. All the gifts must be wrapped, food must be prepared, and--this is the really tough part--your humans are supposed to be merry. It's really hard to be merry on three hours' sleep.

In conclusion, my furry little fella, I will repeat my request that you try to keep your wits about you when it comes to eating. Here's a good rule of thumb: if it's not in your food dish, don't eat it! That will make things much easier on all of us. No one wants your humans to be zombies on Christmas.

UPDATE: It hasn't even been 12 hours since I wrote this, and the Husband just found Patches eating the plastic wrapper from a slice of cheese. We have no idea where he found it. I'm starting to think that the dogs have developed really dexterous paws, and they're raiding the fridge the minute our backs are turned.