Friday, March 26, 2010

The inexplicable pickle

Saw something really weird a couple of days ago. I’ve been thinking about it ever since, and I still can’t come up with an explanation for—well, wait. Let me give you the back story, and then we’ll get to the bizarre part.

Mr. Nerd and I both work for our local government. We work downtown, and we ride together to save money. We park in a typical downtown parking garage—dimly lit, a little smelly, narrow spaces, you know the kind of place. A couple of days ago, we ran home at lunchtime to let the dogs out. When we got back to work, we found a great parking spot--which is no small feat, since several hundred cars park in this garage. I jumped out of the car and headed for the exit, but noticed that Mr. Nerd was hanging back. With his cell phone camera out, taking photographs. Being of a very curious nature, I had to see what he could possibly have found to photograph in the parking garage. It was this:

A jar of pickles. A one-gallon jar of those enormous, whole-cucumber-size pickles. Sitting, unopened, next to a concrete pillar in a downtown parking garage. What. The. Heck?  When we left work that evening, it was still there, untouched. That was two days ago, and it's STILL there. We’re completely mystified. Who carries pickles around with them? Who would bring a giant jar of pickles to work, and then leave them in the parking garage?? So many questions.

Unfortunately, unless one of us runs across a co-worker who happens to be snacking on a massive pickle, we’ll never know. The Leaving of the Pickles will become just another of the mysteries of the parking garage. Like why that one space is always filled with a deep, murky puddle, even in dry weather, or who left the pile of pink Pixie Stick dust that appeared one day by the exit door. Who knows what secrets lurk in the shadows of the parking garage? Well, except for that one corner that always smells like pee. It’s pretty clear what’s been going on over there.

Thursday, March 18, 2010

I speak of the pompitus of song lyrics

I was listening to the radio today, when the new Black Eyed Peas song came on. It was a pretty cool song, except that the lyrics seemed to consist mostly of the words "Imma be." (A Google search just informed me that that is actually the name of the song, as well. And I don't think "imma" is a word, Kanye West's use of it notwithstanding.) That got me started thinking about songs with decent melodies and dumb words, which is something that has annoyed me for a long time. I have some kind of crazy Rain Man memory for song lyrics, so bad ones stay with me for a looooong time. Here are some of the ones I find the most ridiculous.

the "it will all make sense if you take another hit off the bong" lyrics - Oasis

slowly walking down the hall
faster than a cannonball
- "Champagne Supernova"
These fellows had some big hits in the 90s, and earned a bit of notoriety for their outlandish behavior. If I remember correctly, they also had a reputation for being potheads, which is the only possible explanation I can come up with for those lyrics. They probably seemed reeeeeeaaaally deep, man. Oh, and the next line in the song? "Where were you while we were getting high?" Uh-huh. I thought so.

The "we need a thesaurus" lyrics - Van Halen
hey only fools rush in and only time will tell
If we stand the test of time
- "Why Can't This Be Love?"

I know the guys in Van Halen did about a metric ton of drugs back in the day. I refuse to believe, however, that they killed so many of their brain cells that they couldn't come up with something better than "only time will tell if we stand the test of time." Geez, d'ya think? Sorry, fellas. You have some really good rockin' songs, but that's just lame.

the "who cares if it doesn't make sense-it rhymes!" lyrics - Elvis
well, bless my soul what's wrong with me?
I'm itchin' like a man on a fuzzy tree
- "All Shook Up"

Okay, I know this might result in hate comments, but I don't think Elvis was a very good songwriter. He had tons of charisma, charm, good looks (at least when he was young), a nice voice-absolutely. But some of the lyrics were pretty trite, and some were just bad. A fuzzy tree? Also, if you think you're in love, and one of the symptoms is itchin', you might want to have a doctor look at that. And maybe pick up an antibiotic. I'm just sayin'.

The "I can't think of any more real words, so I'll just sing nonsense" lyrics - Miley Cyrus
Noddin' my head like, yeah
Movin' my hips like, yeah
- "Party in the USA"

Actually, it's not fair to crack on Miley Cyrus for this, when there are millions of artists who have resorted to filling in a space with either a nonsense word, or something like "yeah" or "alright." (It's still an annoying--albeit catchy--song, though.) Let's not forget Steve Miller, the king of the nonsense word, who came up with "pompitus" to fill a three-syllable gap in his song "The Joker." But at least he was upfront about it...he needed a word, so he just invented one. And you know you like the song anyway. As a matter of fact, I think I'm going to start using "pompitus" as a multi-purpose word, kind of like "aloha." I like it.

That's just a small sampling of the dumb lyrics that bug me. There may be a sequel to this post someday. Are there any lyrics that just drive you crazy? Let me know in the comments.

headphone guy came from here

Wednesday, March 10, 2010

And this is why I growl at the TV

We don't watch a whole lot of TV around here, mostly because we only have basic cable--22 channels. When we do watch, it is often PBS, which we both love. At the moment, though, PBS has chucked their usual lineup in order to conduct their "Telefund," so we've been suffering through some network shows. (I know they have to raise money. It's just really annoying that they're asking me for money to support the shows I enjoy, while they're pre-empting, you know, the shows I enjoy.) Aside from the quality programming, there is one particular reason why I love PBS...there are no commercials.

There are a few exceptions, but commercials, in general, annoy the heck out of me. I see this one every morning while I'm getting ready for work:

Gaah! Melodramatic much? "A prescription?!? What do I have??" Geez, lady, it's eye drops. Buck up! It's not like they're going to kill you.

I saw this one for the first time yesterday:

The commercial itself isn't terribly irritating, but there's something in there that I think is absolutely ridiculous. At 0:26, when the driver pulls close to the guy to grab the burger, a message appears: "Professional driver on closed road. Do not attempt." Is this really something someone would attempt? Veering over to the side of the road to snatch a cheeseburger? Considering the vehicular maneuvering that would have to take place, not to mention having to find someone who just happens to be sitting on the side of the road eating? I'm really skeptical about this.

This is the one that really makes me think I might snap:

I cannot STAND that kid. It's probably very, very wrong to feel that way about a child, but I can't help it. I see this commercial every morning, and every morning I go on a mini-tirade about it. It makes my husband's day, I'm sure.

There are many others, but those are my worst. How about you? Are you easily annoyed by commercials? Which ones get to you?

Thursday, March 4, 2010

One burger, please hold the interrogation

I don't like to cook. I don't like it, and Mr. Nerd isn't one of those guys who needs a meat-and-two-veg kind of meal every night, so we often take advantage of the dollar menu at one of our local fast-food joints. Lately, the drive-thru ordering procedure at these places has been making me nuts. Here's why.

Drive-thru person (DTP): Hi, welcome to McArwenby's Bell. Would you like to try our new McMeat Blaster Combo?
Me: No, thank you. I would like a single burger with pi-
DTP: Would you like cheese on that?
Me: No, thank you. Single with pickle, lettuce, and tomato. An order of chicken nug-
DTP: What kind of sauce with that?
Me: No sauce, please. A large order of fri-
DTP: Are you sure you don't want to make that a combo? You could save 19 cents.
Me: No, thank you, just the sandwich and fries. A side sal-
DTP: What kind of dressing?
Me: No dressing, please. That'll be it.
DTP: Would you like to try our new Siberian Tundra MochaJava Freeze?
Me: No, thank you. THAT WILL BE IT. (Who am I kidding?) Well, yeah...small, please.
DTP: Okay, what did you have after the single fish sandwich with pickle, mayo, and onion?
Me: AUUUUGGGGGHHHHHH!!!!! (begin beating head repeatedly on steering wheel)

Seriously, people. I am a good order-er. I speak slowly and clearly, group like items together, and give you a pause between items so you have time to key them in. But I can't do that if YOU WON'T LET ME SPEAK FOR A FREAKIN' SECOND WITHOUT ASKING A QUESTION. (ahem) I would love to roll up to the speaker and immediately say, "I'm going to give you my order, exactly as I want it. If I want cheese, sauce or dressing, I will say so. Do not, under any circumstances, ask me any questions!" But, I don't want to be that person. (And I definitely don't want some irritated drive-thru worker to befoul my Siberian Tundra MochaJava Freeze.) So, is this a widespread tendency with drive-thru restaurants, or is it just a local thing? I'm getting kind of tired of working myself up into a nervous frenzy just for some chicken nuggets. It still beats the heck out of cooking, though.

fast food meal came from here