Tuesday, June 29, 2010

They say knowledge is power...

So gather round, kids, and let Ms. Absepa fill you in on some of the things I’ve learned over the  past (extremely busy, moderately stressful, fairly exhausting) week or so. Don’t worry—there won’t be a test on this material.

Lots of kids + lots of sugar = a little scary
I spent a few nights last week working my church’s Vacation Bible School. One night, the kids had root beer floats--with cupcakes--for their snack. There were about 60 kids, and roughly 20 or so adults to corral them all. It’s a miracle there wasn’t a mini-riot that night, because those kids were all so jacked up that I'm not sure we could have gotten them back under control if they had decided to mutiny. I’m thinking next year we should consider serving fruit and bottled water.

Moving sucks, hot weather makes it suck more
I’ve developed a theory that, unless you schedule your move in January (which, of course, guarantees that there will be a blizzard), your moving day will always be the hottest day of the year. My parents and sister moved last weekend, and it was 94 degrees, with about 400% humidity. It was already nearly 90 when I joined the fun—at 9 am—and it only got worse. Fortunately, they had movers for all of the really heavy stuff…and Speedway has slushes for 89 cents. I drank so many of those this weekend that I believe I might have replaced all of the liquid in my body with Wild Cherry Freeze.

Investigate your doctor’s background carefully
In general, I am not one to doubt the medical community. After all, doctors go to school for a long time, so I feel like I should trust them. However. I’m pretty sure the fellow who performed my arthrogram yesterday was actually a sadist (who decided to show up at the clinic, throw on a lab coat, and torture a few poor souls who were already suffering), rather than a radiologist. And he knew I wouldn't try to run away, either, since his nurse made me take off my bra and put on that flimsy gown. And that “contrast medium?” They might tell you it's iodine or barium, but only pure, unadulterated bottled evil could be that painful. Here's the most important lesson I learned last week: If your doctor ever mentions anything about a contrast MRI, run away as fast as you can.
It hurts like *#$&, which might make you want to kick the "doctor" in the groin as hard as you can. And they would probably frown on that.

Thursday, June 17, 2010

Dear footwear industry, you've done it again

First, it was the floot, a fugly flip-flop/ankle boot hybrid. Then, a couple of days ago, my sharp-eyed aunt, K, found a link to this abomination:

It's made by Sanuk, and it's called the Tubeflop.  Here's a brief description from their website:

"Light and breathable sock connected to footbed through molded channel. Strap is feminine and soft."

So, it's a flip-flop...connected to a tube sock. Call me crazy, but I thought the primary purpose of knee socks was to keep you warm. I know some people live in parts of the country where you can be outside for more than 2.4 seconds without bursting into flames, but it's hot as all get-out here, y'all. You know what I think about when I look at Tubeflops? I think about how hot and itchy and gross my sweaty calves would be after wearing those things for about three minutes. If they're intended for people who live in cooler climates, they're still dumb. My feet are always freezing in cold weather. What good would it do me to have toasty-warm calves while my piddies were getting frostbitten?

I've been thinking a lot about this craze for bizarre shoes, and I think I know who is behind it all:

Remember this guy? I'm guessing the haberdashery business has suffered a lot in the last few decades, and Mr. Hatter was looking for some work. He turned his attentions to footwear-he's mad, remember-and the result is the Tubeflop. But, because I am a giver, I'm going to give him some career counseling. I'm pretty sure I've thought of the perfect employer to match his skill set:

Lady Gaga is clearly not afraid to take a few fashion risks, and shoes and hats are essential pieces of her crazy get-ups. I think the Mad Hatter could have a long and illustrious career designing her gear...and then the rest of us consumers would not have to suffer whatever he thinks up next. See? Perfect match.

Thursday, June 10, 2010

Maybe not the ninth level, but it was getting close

Spent some time waiting at the doctor's office today. A lot of time. As a matter of fact, I was able to read nearly the entire July issue of Real Simple magazine. Have you seen this thing? It's about a half-inch thick. After a while, I started thinking that maybe I had died and I was in Hell's waiting room, rather than my orthopedist's. Of course, Hell's waiting room is never empty; you're always accompanied by the most annoying people possible.

Christopher, the Super-Irritating Child
I swear, I am an irritating kid magnet. This one appeared to be about four years old, and he was LOUD. (And yes, I know--you can't expect small children to sit still and be perfectly quiet. But I don't think it's unreasonable to require them to leave the other patrons alone.) Christopher thought it was great fun to crawl on the floor under the chairs...and then pop up at the end of the row, which was directly beneath my elbow. He did this, oh, twenty times or so before his "MAMAWMAMAWMAMAW" (that's what he kept yelling) told him to stop. He finally discovered the toys in the corner, and I breathed a sigh of relief. Until...

Suspender Man
Suspender Man arrived with great fanfare. He, too, was loud, and on crutches (and inexplicably attired in Ralph Lauren denim shorts with suspenders). Suspender Man greeted all of the receptionists, loudly; found a seat, loudly; and made a great show of getting settled and arranging his crutches. Ahh, now I can go back to these engrossing articles about hot dog toppings and sports bras. At that point, Suspender Man yelled, "Whoo!" and nearly scared me out of my uncomfortable chair. He proceeded to holler "Whoo!" at intervals of approximately every 90 seconds. He left just enough time between for me to think we were finished with the Whoo-ing. Each outburst was followed by a heavy sigh, which wafted directly over my head, along with a gust of coffee breath. Ugh.

Every-freakin'-one else
There must have been 25 people in this waiting room, and at least 20 of them were having full-volume cell phone conversations. Do people not care that everyone in the room can hear them discussing their personal problems? In addition, a sign is prominently posted in the waiting room forbidding the use of cell phones. Clearly, no one was paying attention. 

Oh, and did I mention that all of the doctors were running over an hour behind? And Dr. Phil was playing (loudly!) on the TV? Having your blood pressure checked is not part of a visit to the orthopedist, but, if it was, I'm pretty sure mine would have been through the roof. You know it's been a stressful visit when it's a huge relief to go back to work. And best of all, I get to go back in two weeks! Do you think that's enough time to round up an annoying kid and prepare a loud, embarrassing cell phone conversation?

Thursday, June 3, 2010

Maybe I can hire him as a bunnyguard

Wow. I just realized that it is Thursday, and I haven't blogged yet this week. I'm so dog-tired that I just ate dinner (pizza, courtesy of Domino's) in my PJs, so it looks like it's random time. Here are a few thoughts for the end of this short (and yet oh-so-long) week.

  • If you work outside your home, have you noticed an unusually large amount of water on the sink in the office restroom? One of my coworkers stopped by my desk this afternoon to point out the big, wet stripe across her abdomen, incurred when she leaned against the sink. What could cause a massive puddle on a sink where people only wash their hands? Do ducks sneak into the restroom and paddle around in the sinks? Because I refuse to believe that humans could splash that much water, then refuse to wipe it up...particularly when they should already have paper towels in their hands from washing.
  • I have, in the past several days, bitten my cheek repeatedly in the exact same spot, and cut the same place on my calf each morning when I was shaving my legs. Apparently pain and/or blood is not enough to make me remember to be more careful when chewing and shaving.
  • We have the most incredibly bold rabbits in my neighborhood. It's a massive, new-ish subdivision, with kids and cars and dogs all over the place. Living amongst all these threats, the rabbits must have gotten streetwise or something. We pulled into the driveway this afternoon, and there was a bunny lying in the front yard, just hanging out in the shade. I pulled further forward, and further still, and the bunny just...didn't move. Mr. Nerd got out of the car to shoo him off (I was afraid he would get scared and bolt under the car. [The bunny, not Mr. Nerd. Although he does say that my driving terrifies him.]) The bunny still didn't move! Mr. Nerd had to physically stand over him, and then he hopped off rather nonchalantly, I thought. Sometimes I wonder if one of these little toughies might run right into the house when I open the front door. Three dogs + one rabbit + indoors = Very Bad. 
That seems to be the sum total of what's rattling around in my head tonight, except for a plea for opinions from my bloggy friends. I am interested in exploring the possibility of migrating my blog to Wordpress, and I would like to hear from anyone who has been through that experience. Was it difficult? Did you have any major problems? Is Wordpress easier to use than Blogger? Harder? My HTML skills are very limited, and I don't know the first thing about CSS and stuff, so I am a little nervous at the thought of migrating. Any information would be greatly appreciated. Have a good weekend, and watch out for tough bunnies.