Friday, February 13, 2009

I Get the Best Ideas in the Shower

As I was showering this morning, I had some brilliant ideas for new inventions just pop into my head. Some science-y person will actually need to design and create the products, but that should be no problem once the ideas are out there, right? I believe that these items will benefit all mankind, and even more importantly, make me eleventy bajillion dollars. I will then use that cash to retire to my own private island, and hire Gerald Butler, Hugh Jackman, and Patrick Wilson to sing to me and bring me fruity blue drinks.

We've all been hearing about the need for alternative fuel sources lately, and I believe I have the answer. Sound waves are energy, right? That's why an opera singer can break a glass, or stereo speakers can blow out car windows. (I'm pretty sure I saw that on "Mythbusters.") We Americans make a lot of noise. Think about it--sporting events, concerts, parades, protests--millions of people screaming, every day, all over the country. Why can't we harness the energy produced by all that yelling, and use it as a fuel source? Teenage-girl screams are probably extra-powerful, so all a city would need to do is schedule a couple of Jonas Brothers and Hannah Montana concerts each year, and they would be set.

I'm going to try to be delicate here, because I don't even really like talking about this subject. Every woman is supposed to endure that annual torture ritual known as a pelvic exam, and no woman likes it. You're naked, in a room with people you don't want to pursue the usual naked activities with, and it's just uncomfortable and embarrassing. Well, I think I may have the answer. A couple of months ago, I received a medical magzine with an article about one of those surgery robots. The doctor sits in another room, controlling the robot via computer, and the robot performs maneuvers that are too intricate or delicate for human hands. Wouldn't this be the perfect setup for gynecologists? The patient could be in the room alone, with just the robot, so all that nakedness-embarrassment factor would be eliminated. The robot could be temperature-controlled, and very small. And I don't think I need to say anymore about that.

No-Squoze Pantyhose
We have perfected space travel, nanotechnology, organ transplantation, and cloning, and I still can't find a *#%@ pair of pantyhose that doesn't make me feel as if my intestines are going to come shooting out of my ears. Why does the "panty" part have to be so tight, anyway? No matter what size I buy, they squeeze me in two. The leg parts could be so large that they make me look as if I've contracted that elephant disease, but I still won't be able to eat more than a pea and a grape for lunch, or the top part will explode. Here's my solution, and all of you pantyhose-making people should listen closely, because most of the women I know hate your products. Take a regular pair of women's comfy underpants, like this:

And then sew the usual pantyhose legs to them. Was that so hard? We could be appropriately dressed for all those occasions that require that the legs be covered, but we wouldn't have that wonderful rubber-band-around-the-midsection feeling of traditional pantyhose. I will even consider giving this brilliant idea to the pantyhose companies free of charge, if it means that all womankind can henceforth be freed from the shackles of their garments.

So, those are my brilliant ideas. Any science-y types who are interested in drawing up the blueprints and stuff should contact me, and I will give you a cut of my eleventy bajillion dollars. Oh, and Gery, Hugh, and Patrick? Pack your swimsuits, fellas! Brush up on your blue-drink bartending skills, and start practicing those show tunes.


JD at I Do Things said...

OK, I can't say I'm too excited by Gyno-Bot. What if something went wrong, and it started . . . jabbing or something . . . metallicy all up in there . . . Danger! Danger! I don't know. But those sew-nylons onto comfy panties are BRILLIANT! I don't wear nylons very often, but when I do, the term "muffintop" has a whole new meaning. I would buy those. And then I would scream with joy, loud enough to power a Gyno-Bot.

absepa said...

JD: Aiieee! Clearly, I didn't think that through. Having a machine that close to one's nether regions is probably a bad idea.

I basically refuse to wear pantyhose, unless it's absolutely necessary. Sometimes I think they actually create fat where I don't have any.

JunkDrawer Kathy said...

I disagree, JD. I totally want a Gyno-Bot. If it starts malfunctioning, you can always kick it across the room, or unplug it, or pop the batteries. Absepa, are these all options? How far are you on the patent process? You gotta work in a fail safe switch or something.

p.s. Yes, pantyhose create fat where there is none. It's all physics and flab.

absepa said...

JunkDrawer Kathy: I'll make sure a fail safe is incorporated into the GynoBot--but I'm sure a good swift kick would work, as well.

"It's all physics and flab"--good one!!