How to Not Be A Jerk on the Elevator

My office is on the seventh floor of our building, so I spend a fair amount of time on the elevator. It's an uncomfortable situation--stuffed in a small space, with strangers, and the possibility of getting stuck looming in the back of your mind. All those healthy types would probably suggest taking the stairs...and to that I say-HA! It's seven flights! I would prefer not to arrive at work sweaty and exhausted, smelling like a yak, every morning. I would, however, like to offer some elevator etiquette tips to all the folks I share that space with on a daily basis, just to help make the workday a bit more tolerable for all of us. Without further ado, I present:

Absepa's Helpful Hints on How to Not be a Jerk on the Elevator



Don't talk on your cell phone.
I started to write, "No one wants to hear your conversation," but sometimes I do, actually. You see, I'm kind of nosy. The problem is that a normal elevator trip is not long enough for me to really satisfy my curiosity about your business. I might hear a snippet of your discussion about a fired co-worker, illegitimate offspring, or scary medical issues, and then I'll just spend the rest of the day wondering about it. That's not good for either of us.

Don't rush the door.
People, you're not trying to get a wicked front-row general-admission seat at the Lynyrd Skynyrd show here. Don't rush the door! Give the poor souls on the elevator a chance to disembark before you attempt to get on. The door bum-rush is usually a move favored by groups of large, oblivious men. Since I am not exactly hulking, I end up getting squished against the door frame by one of these walking monoliths. This involves the potential for injury (bad) and physical contact (extra-super-bad); therefore, it is one of my biggest elevator pet peeves.

Don't Be a Total Tool on Every Possible Level
Okay, this one is not universally applicable. It is directed toward one old jerk in my building, who committed the most egregious elevator faux pas I have ever witnessed. This guy boarded the elevator after I did, talking on his cell phone all the while. He positioned himself in the spot nearest the buttons and pulled out a legal pad. He then propped his legal pad against the buttons, so that I couldn't reach them, and began taking notes. I asked him at least four times to push the button for my floor, but he totally ignored me and continued his cell phone conversation. Consequently, I was forced to ride the elevator back down to the lobby, looking like a schmuck. I often do things that make me look like a schmuck, so that wasn't such a big deal. It was this guy's unadulterated, unmitigated, bold rudeness that blew me away. I've already decided that, should he ever pull that move again, I'm just going to shoulder him out of the way and push my button. He's not that big, and he's pretty old, so I think I can take him.

So, there you go, folks. Put these helpful hints into practice at your office, and your co-workers will thank you for it. Or at least they won't be hoping you get run over by a bus.